I’ve come to realize why exactly I fall short in most endeavors I pursue:
I lack the ability to be patient, and to focus.
It’s very physiological in nature, really.
After dealing with it for 15+ years–
through cognitive and physical approaches…
It’s become clear to me how inherent my impatience and lack of focus really is.
In the past, I’ve tried to let stories of redemption–
The stories of people finding their way from death to life through health and psychology…
I’ve let those stories of transformation give me hope.
But I’m stuck.
The fulcrum of success is just these two things:
Repitition, Learning, Repitition, Learning (x1000000).
If you’re a slow learner, and you’re impatient, you’re out of luck.
I’ve tried to deny it for too long…but I am both.
Being born without my hearing, doctors said I would probably lack both.
It’s just a difficult component of my existence.
A painful one.
I’m really beginning to lose patience in this war.
The war to be sane. To be rational. Productive. Brilliant. Sharp. Focused.
When I find something that helps me, I forget about it days later.
If I write it down, I forget I wrote it down.
I know what you’re thinking…
“Jake, stop complaining! It could be worse.”
Maybe so…it doesn’t change how I feel.
Plus, it’s like this for me…along your lines of logic…
“Ok..so it could be worse. I could be dead. Away from all this suffering. So the worst of the worse would actually be better? Well, shit…that line of thinking is useless and destructive.”
“But Jake, you could be SUFFERING in a worse way!”
How in the hell do you judge what worse is?
Experience and emotions are incredibly subjective.
It’s like the science of pain tolerance.
A brutal pain to one person is a pinch to another.
So how can one judge exactly what a “worse suffering would be?”
I wish my mind didn’t do this to me.
I wish I could rationalize and think…
“Well, I could be starving–”
But then i think..
“If I was starving, I’d probably wish for anything but starvation…even if it meant mental health problems. And then I’d find myself where I am now….telling myself this is horrible…and telling myself, ‘well, I could be starving…–but wait, I just realized if I was starving I would probably wish my current life upon myself…but in this life, I wish for a way out, so..–”
It’s a cycle. Rationalizing pain is stupid. Abhorrent. A waste of time.
It’s better to admit I’m just not one of the fittest.
And that’s OK. I’ll just spend my life finding where the ceiling really is for me.
I’ll reach my potential…and If I never have the capacity to be with a partner…
I’ll make enough money to hire a hooker.